Hi, I have got some jokes. (P.S there are 101 of them)
Why is it a bad idea to iron your four-leaf clover? Cause you shouldnât press your luck
I canât take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. Thatâs what I get for buying a pure bread dog.
My wife said I was immature. So I told her to get out of my fort.
I didnât want to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a traffic cop, but when I got home, all the signs were there.
When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, identity theft is a crime.
A guy goes to his doctor because he can see into the future. The doctor asks him, âHow long have you suffered from that condition?â The guy tells him, âSince next Monday.â
Why couldnât the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired!
Whatâs the difference between a poorly dressed man on a tricycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire!
How many apples grow on a tree? All of them!
Why did the old man fall in the well? Because he couldnât see that well!
What do you call a factory that sells passable products? A satisfactory!
Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer? He couldnât see himself doing it!
Want to hear a joke about construction? Iâm still working on it!
I was really angry at my friend Mark for stealing my dictionary. I told him, âMark, my words!â
I was just reminiscing about the beautiful herb garden I had when I was growing up. Good thymes.
Do you know the last thing my grandfather said to me before he kicked the bucket?
âGrandson, watch how far I can kick this bucket.â
Why do dogs float in water? Because they are good buoys.
What is the tallest building in the world? The libraryâitâs got the most stories.
Whatâs orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot!
Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field!
Why is Peter Pan always flying? He neverlands!
Whatâs a ninjaâs favourite type of shoes? Sneakers!
What do Santaâs elves listen to ask they work? Wrap music!
Did you hear about the bacon cheeseburger who couldnât stop telling jokes? It was on a roll.
Student: âCan I go to the bathroom?â
Teacher: âItâs âmay.'â
Student: âNo, itâs January.â
Why was the coach yelling at a vending machine? He wanted his quarter back.
Why do vampires seem sick? Theyâre always coffin.
Why did the stadium get so hot after the game? Because all the fans left.
What do you call a sad cup of coffee? Depresso.
My dog used to chase people on a scooter a lot. It got so bad we had to take his scooter away.
Within minutes, the detectives knew what the murder weapon was. It was a brief case.
Not to brag but I made six figures last year. I was also named worst employee at the toy factory.
To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my Word!
My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!
Iâm so good at sleeping I can do it with my eyes closed!
Spring is here! I got so excited I wet my plants!
I thought about going on an all-almond diet⊠But thatâs just nuts!
My friend says to me, âWhat rhymes with orange?âAnd I told him, âNo it doesnât!â
My wife told me I had to stop acting like a flamingo. So I had to put my foot down!
I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised!
So a vowel saves another vowelâs life. The other vowel says, âAye E! I owe you!â
Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head!
My uncle named his dogs Rolex and Timex. Theyâre his watch dogs!
If you see a robbery at an Apple Store does that make you an iWitness?!
I would avoid the sushi if I were you. Itâs a little fishy!
Five out of four people admit theyâre bad with fractions!
Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, âDo you know how to drive this thing?â
Iâll call you later. Donât call me later, call me Dad!
Did you hear about the Italian chef who died? He pasta way!
When the grocery store clerk asks me if I want the milk in a bag, I always tell him, âNo, Iâd rather drink it out of the carton!â
The difference between a numerator and a denominator is a short line. Only a fraction of people will understand this!
What do you call a donkey with only three legs? A wonkey!
After dinner, my wife asked if I could clear the table. I needed a running start, but I made it!
I know a lot of jokes about retired people but none of them work!
What do you call a guy with a rubber toe? Roberto!
What rhymes with boo and stinks? You!
I accidentally dropped my pillow on the floor. I think it has a concushion.
Someone complimented my parking today! They left a sweet note on my windshield that said âparking fine.â
I found a wooden shoe in my toilet today. It was clogged.
My hotel tried to charge me ten dollars extra for air conditioning. That wasnât cool.
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
An apple a day keeps the doctor away. At least it does if you throw it hard enough.
I asked my date to meet me at the gym but she never showed up. I guess the two of us arenât going to work out.
My friend was showing me his tool shed and pointed to a ladder. âThatâs my stepladder,â he said. âI never knew my real ladder.â
My doctor told me I was going deaf. The news was hard for me to hear.
Which days are the strongest? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weekdays.
Which U.S. state is famous for its extra-small soft drinks? Minnesota!
I got a hen to regularly count her own eggs. Sheâs a real mathamachicken!
What did the Ranch say when someone opened the refrigerator door? âClose the door, Iâm dressing!â
Why do trees seem suspicious on sunny days? They just seem a little shady!
What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta!
Iâve been bored recently so Iâve decided to take up fencing. The neighbour said they will call the police unless I put it back.
Why did the math book look so sad? Because of all of its problems!
I donât really call for funerals that start before noon. I guess Iâm just not a mourning person!
If two vegans get in a fight, is it still considered a beef?
I never buy pre-shredded cheese. Because doing it yourself is grate.
I was playing chess with my friend and he said, âLetâs make this interesting.â So we stopped playing chess.
How do you tell the difference between a bull and a milk cow? It is either one or the utter.
My daughter thinks I donât give her enough privacy. At least thatâs what she wrote in her diary.
Fun fact: Australiaâs biggest export is boomerangs. Itâs also their biggest import.
What kind of car runs on leaves? An autumn-mobile!
I tried to organise a professional Hide-and-Seek tournament, but it was a complete failure. Good players are hard to find.
Before the invention of the wheel⊠everything was a drag!
What did the duck say when she bought a lipstick? Put it on my bill!
What do you give to a sick lemon? Lemon aid!
What did the little mountain say to the bigger mountain? Hi Cliff!
Why are there gates around cemeteries? Because people are dying to get in!
What do bees do if they need a ride? Wait at the buzz stop!
What do you call a monkey that loves Doritos? A chipmunk!
Why did the can crusher quit his job? Because it was soda pressing!
Do you remember that joke I told you about my spine? It was about a weak back!
I just went to an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
Whenâs the best time to go to the dentist? Tooth-hurtie!
Why do seagulls fly over the sea? Because if they flew over the bay, theyâre bagels!
What do you call a farm that makes bad jokes? Corny!
Why do fish live in salt water? Because pepper makes them sneeze!
What kind of streets do ghosts haunt? Dead ends!
What do you tell actors to break a leg? Because every play has a cast!
What do you call it when one cow spies on another? A steak out!
What happens when a frogâs car breaks down? It gets toad!
A guy walks into a barâŠand he was disqualified from the limbo contest.
Congratulations! You did it! You win nothing once again!