Hi, I have got some jokes. (P.S there are 101 of them)
Why is it a bad idea to iron your four-leaf clover? Cause you shouldn’t press your luck
I can’t take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog.
My wife said I was immature. So I told her to get out of my fort.
I didn’t want to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a traffic cop, but when I got home, all the signs were there.
When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, identity theft is a crime.
A guy goes to his doctor because he can see into the future. The doctor asks him, “How long have you suffered from that condition?” The guy tells him, “Since next Monday.”
Why couldn’t the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired!
What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a tricycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire!
How many apples grow on a tree? All of them!
Why did the old man fall in the well? Because he couldn’t see that well!
What do you call a factory that sells passable products? A satisfactory!
Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer? He couldn’t see himself doing it!
Want to hear a joke about construction? I’m still working on it!
I was really angry at my friend Mark for stealing my dictionary. I told him, “Mark, my words!”
I was just reminiscing about the beautiful herb garden I had when I was growing up. Good thymes.
Do you know the last thing my grandfather said to me before he kicked the bucket?
“Grandson, watch how far I can kick this bucket.”
Why do dogs float in water? Because they are good buoys.
What is the tallest building in the world? The library—it’s got the most stories.
What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot!
Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field!
Why is Peter Pan always flying? He neverlands!
What’s a ninja’s favourite type of shoes? Sneakers!
What do Santa’s elves listen to ask they work? Wrap music!
Did you hear about the bacon cheeseburger who couldn’t stop telling jokes? It was on a roll.
Student: “Can I go to the bathroom?”
Teacher: “It’s ‘may.'”
Student: “No, it’s January.”
Why was the coach yelling at a vending machine? He wanted his quarter back.
Why do vampires seem sick? They’re always coffin.
Why did the stadium get so hot after the game? Because all the fans left.
What do you call a sad cup of coffee? Depresso.
My dog used to chase people on a scooter a lot. It got so bad we had to take his scooter away.
Within minutes, the detectives knew what the murder weapon was. It was a brief case.
Not to brag but I made six figures last year. I was also named worst employee at the toy factory.
To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my Word!
My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!
I’m so good at sleeping I can do it with my eyes closed!
Spring is here! I got so excited I wet my plants!
I thought about going on an all-almond diet… But that’s just nuts!
My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”And I told him, “No it doesn’t!”
My wife told me I had to stop acting like a flamingo. So I had to put my foot down!
I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised!
So a vowel saves another vowel’s life. The other vowel says, “Aye E! I owe you!”
Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head!
My uncle named his dogs Rolex and Timex. They’re his watch dogs!
If you see a robbery at an Apple Store does that make you an iWitness?!
I would avoid the sushi if I were you. It’s a little fishy!
Five out of four people admit they’re bad with fractions!
Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, “Do you know how to drive this thing?”
I’ll call you later. Don’t call me later, call me Dad!
Did you hear about the Italian chef who died? He pasta way!
When the grocery store clerk asks me if I want the milk in a bag, I always tell him, “No, I’d rather drink it out of the carton!”
The difference between a numerator and a denominator is a short line. Only a fraction of people will understand this!
What do you call a donkey with only three legs? A wonkey!
After dinner, my wife asked if I could clear the table. I needed a running start, but I made it!
I know a lot of jokes about retired people but none of them work!
What do you call a guy with a rubber toe? Roberto!
What rhymes with boo and stinks? You!
I accidentally dropped my pillow on the floor. I think it has a concushion.
Someone complimented my parking today! They left a sweet note on my windshield that said “parking fine.”
I found a wooden shoe in my toilet today. It was clogged.
My hotel tried to charge me ten dollars extra for air conditioning. That wasn’t cool.
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
An apple a day keeps the doctor away. At least it does if you throw it hard enough.
I asked my date to meet me at the gym but she never showed up. I guess the two of us aren’t going to work out.
My friend was showing me his tool shed and pointed to a ladder. “That’s my stepladder,” he said. “I never knew my real ladder.”
My doctor told me I was going deaf. The news was hard for me to hear.
Which days are the strongest? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weekdays.
Which U.S. state is famous for its extra-small soft drinks? Minnesota!
I got a hen to regularly count her own eggs. She’s a real mathamachicken!
What did the Ranch say when someone opened the refrigerator door? “Close the door, I’m dressing!”
Why do trees seem suspicious on sunny days? They just seem a little shady!
What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta!
I’ve been bored recently so I’ve decided to take up fencing. The neighbour said they will call the police unless I put it back.
Why did the math book look so sad? Because of all of its problems!
I don’t really call for funerals that start before noon. I guess I’m just not a mourning person!
If two vegans get in a fight, is it still considered a beef?
I never buy pre-shredded cheese. Because doing it yourself is grate.
I was playing chess with my friend and he said, “Let’s make this interesting.” So we stopped playing chess.
How do you tell the difference between a bull and a milk cow? It is either one or the utter.
My daughter thinks I don’t give her enough privacy. At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.
Fun fact: Australia’s biggest export is boomerangs. It’s also their biggest import.
What kind of car runs on leaves? An autumn-mobile!
I tried to organise a professional Hide-and-Seek tournament, but it was a complete failure. Good players are hard to find.
Before the invention of the wheel… everything was a drag!
What did the duck say when she bought a lipstick? Put it on my bill!
What do you give to a sick lemon? Lemon aid!
What did the little mountain say to the bigger mountain? Hi Cliff!
Why are there gates around cemeteries? Because people are dying to get in!
What do bees do if they need a ride? Wait at the buzz stop!
What do you call a monkey that loves Doritos? A chipmunk!
Why did the can crusher quit his job? Because it was soda pressing!
Do you remember that joke I told you about my spine? It was about a weak back!
I just went to an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
When’s the best time to go to the dentist? Tooth-hurtie!
Why do seagulls fly over the sea? Because if they flew over the bay, they’re bagels!
What do you call a farm that makes bad jokes? Corny!
Why do fish live in salt water? Because pepper makes them sneeze!
What kind of streets do ghosts haunt? Dead ends!
What do you tell actors to break a leg? Because every play has a cast!
What do you call it when one cow spies on another? A steak out!
What happens when a frog’s car breaks down? It gets toad!
A guy walks into a bar…and he was disqualified from the limbo contest.
Congratulations! You did it! You win nothing once again!